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Army and Nurse Jokes
Collection of Army and Nurse Jokes about nursing and the military:
This First World War army joke comes from Merdeka whose review can be read on the Books about Army page:
The Commanding Officer of the Battalion was preparing his men and sent this silent message to be passed quietly between his troops so that the final man could run to the Command Post:
”Send reinforcements we’re going to advance.”
The words got corrupted going down the trench until the final soldier heard the message:
“Send three and four pence we’re going to a dance!”
Psychiatric Nurse Jokes
An inspecting Brigadier decides to visit the psychiatric ward of an army hospital. He wants to show an interest in the unit and asks the nurse how they decide if a soldier needs to be admitted as a patient or just seen in out patients.
"Well," says the QA psychiatric nurse, "we fill the bath with water and give the squaddie a mess tin and a spoon. He or she is then asked to empty the bath."
"Ah I see!" exclaims the Brigadier, "A normal person would use the mess tin because it is larger and will take less time to empty the bath."
"No Sir" sighs the psychiatric nurse, "A sane person would pull the bath plug. I'll get your bed ready Sir!"
The QA nurse was taking the blood pressure and pulse of a squaddie who was recovering from an operation. Still groggy from the anaesthetic he asked her: Are my testicles black?
She thought this an odd request but thought that perhaps he was worried his assets had been trapped on the operating theatre, so she pocked her head under the sheets and had a quick look. She told him how nice they were and had a lovely pink colour.
Recovering a bit more the soldier stopped mumbling and with a surprised look asked: No you naughty nurse, are my test results back?
This nursing joke is from a true story cited in Surviving Tenko: The Story of Margot Turner. The nurse telling it recalls her nervousness when newly working in the operating theatre. She had difficulty hearing the surgeon’s words through his mask. When he asked her to “Fetch the proctoscope” she “heard it as something else and came trotting faithfully back with the white coat of the night porter which I had dragged off his indignant back.”
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Burnt Vengeance - How will a dying patient in a hospice take his revenge? What are his final wishes and what will his solicitor reveal when she reads out his Last Will and Testament?
5-star author C.G. Buswell brings another story from his dark, tempestuous mind. Burnt Vengeance will have you screaming for the light and grappling with your imagination as you try to quell your fear.
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A new QA nurse meets a patient who is a Corporal in the Royal Artillery. She is confused by his rank of Bombardier and does not know how to pronounce the word. So she say hello and asks What do i call you?
No need to pronounce the Bombar bit nurse!
The following military joke is from the book A Few Deeds Short of a Hero and cheekily describes the three special skills needed to become a PTI (Physical Training Instructor) - the strength of a carthorse, the speed of a racehorse and the brains of a rocking horse!
This army joke is from World War One:
In no-man’s land there was a German stuck in the mud and only his face and the top of his spiked helmet could be seen. A British Tommy took pity on him and crawled out to help pull him out. He managed to get a rope around the German’s chest and safely crawled back to the safety of his trench where he got his pals to help pull the stuck German.
After the squad heaved for ten minutes the Tommy shouted across:
"Sorry Fritz, we can’t seem to shift you."
The German soldier replied:
"Would it help if I took my feet out of the stirrups!"
If you have a nurse or army joke or cartoon, especially jokes and cartoons about QARANC (Queen Alexandra's Royal Army Nursing Corps) then please feel free to contact me and I'll happily put them on this page for other QA's and civilian nurses to enjoy. Please keep them clean - I blush easily at rude jokes!
Forces War Records
Forces War Records are a genealogy site where you can find military records of over 6 million British Armed Forces personnel cross matched with over 4000 Regiments, Bases and Ships. This link includes a free search and a special discount of 40% off membership offer for visitors who use the discount code AF40 if they decide to become a member.
Search Now. A unique feature is their WW1 Soldiers Medical Records section.
If you would like to contribute to this page, suggest changes or inclusions to this website or would like to send me a photograph then please e-mail me.
Official QARANC webpage.
QA Association website.
In The Company of Nurses Book.
This army joke is one of our favourite play on words:
Did you hear about the squaddie who went into the canteen and ate all the puddings?
He got sent to Colchester MTCC for dessertion.
Don Johnson late Royal Army Medical Corps gave us this classic nursing joke:
In the operating theatre, the patient was lying on the table when there was a scream. The surgeon looked and snapped; "Nurse, I told you to remove his SPECTACLES"
Don shares his fascinating memories of his time serving in British Military Hospitals on the BMH Nairobi, Colchester Military Hospital, BMH Nicosia, Royal Herbert and Ghosts pages.
The Grey Lady Ghost of the Cambridge Military Hospital Novel - a Book by CG Buswell
The Drummer Boy Novel
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